About this Show

KPIX 5 News at 11pm

News News/Business. Ken Bastida and Elizabeth Cook. New.

NETWORK
CBS

DURATION
00:35:00

RATING

SCANNED IN
San Francisco, CA, USA

SOURCE
Comcast Cable

TUNER
Channel 109 (705 MHz)

VIDEO CODEC
mpeg2video

AUDIO CODEC
ac3

PIXEL WIDTH
1280

PIXEL HEIGHT
720

TOPIC FREQUENCY

Marissa Heller 12, Leo 9, Sheila 5, Kramer 5, Benes 5, Robin 5, Barney 4, Don 4, Marshall 4, Jerry 3, Ted 3, L'oreal 3, Alberta 2, Ha Ha 2, Bliss 2, New Caresse Wet Shine Stain 2, Dr. Resnick 2, Elaine 2, Dr. Berg 2, Hershey 2,
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  CBS    KPIX 5 News at 11pm    News  News/Business. Ken  
   Bastida and Elizabeth Cook. New.  

    March 19, 2013
    11:00 - 11:35pm PDT  

11:00pm
plus, all dresses are on sale. old navy. come fun, come all! what's the matter with your stereo? i don't know. what's the matter with your stereo? i traded it to lomez for some steaks. hey. hey. now, see? this is busted. no. it works. it's busted. watch out. let me show you. you gotta jiggle it with this screwdriver. smile. what are ya doin'? oh, i met this woman sheila.
11:01pm
she works down at the one-hour photo place. she's got this incredible smile. it's like she's got too many teeth or somethin'. oh, extra teeth. i love that look. and check this out. i go to pick up my pictures, and she says "i hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt." why did you take a picture of a mustard stain? it's got nothin' to do with this. i see. she's looking. yes. jerry, you got to get this thing fixed. they've tried to fix it. it keeps coming back the same. would you be interested in a refund? well i can't get a refund. the warranty expired two years ago. hey. would you be interested? well, how are ya gonna-- nah, nah, nah! would you? i guess i would-- there ya go. you are not gonna believe what happened to me at the doctor's office today. not the gown again. no, no. i was looking at my chart, and it said that i was difficult. why would they write that? they've gotten to know you. and then the doctor writes more stuff down there and he doesn't even look at my rash. why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know you're difficult? oh, come on. i'm not difficult. i'm easy. why, because you dress casual and
11:02pm
sleep with a lotta guys? listen to me ya little sh-- smile. doctor: elaine you, uh, really didn't have to put on the gown. oh, it's my pleasure. i love these. in fact, i've got one at home. it's perfect when you just want to throw something on. hi. ah, thank you. all righty. let me just review your history before we begin. oh, where did you get my chart? from your last doctor. it's standard procedure. you know, i can tell you my whole history. let's just-- ok. let's take a look. well, that doesn't look too serious. you'll be fine. no. please, please. it's really, really itchy. ahem... oh, no. [knock on door] seinfeld? yeah. got a package for you. sign here.
11:03pm
oh, who's it from? no return address. what if i don't want it? are you refusing delivery? maybe i am. why would you do that? i've never done it before. why start now? why not? all right. why did you refuse that? everybody loves a package. i don't know. it was weird. crazy printing. i don't know who it's from. so what do you think it's a bomb? it's not totally impossible. ho ho ho. the ego on you. why can't i be bomb-able? who's gonna bomb you? an airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes? oh, i suppose you think you're bomb-able. hey, there's a couple of people who wouldn't mind having me out of the way. there's more than a couple. so check these out. i just picked 'em up from sheila. she must've loved these. you don't have a mercedes. i know. i just sorta leaned on it so it would look like it was mine. driver seems a little put out. nah. he was fine with it. here. check this out.
11:04pm
is that burt reynolds? wax museum. oh. whoa. wha-- what is this? that is a lotta skin. this must be sheila from the photo place! you can barely see her face. she must have slipped it in here! what? ay, yi, yi. photo store sheila! well, hello, photo store sheila! all right! i will see you boys later! where are you goin'? to ask her out! no, no. you're not playing the game. what game? she goes to these lengths to entice you, and your only response is, "gee, i really like your picture. would you like to go out on a date with me, please?" no good? george it's the timeless art of seduction. you gotta join in the dance. she sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back. oh, i don't know. well, as you know, i've always been something of a photog. oh, yeah. i like this idea.
11:05pm
hey, danny! hello! how are ya!? hey, leo. hey, what's with your nephew? he wouldn't accept a package. oh, he wants it. he's just trying to be funny. yeah i'll sign for it. and then he started writing on my chart. why don't you just get ahold of it and change what you don't like? you can't change your chart. it's your chart. i'm in and out of my personnel file at work all the time. you are? hey, i've kept the same job for over two years. it's not luck. elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone? yeah. i sent one to everyone i know. you remember my christmas card? oh, right. the nipple. ahem. but, um... aside from that, how did you feel about kramer's work? actually i thought he was very professional. so it was a good experience? oh, yeah. in fact, i liked the picture so much, i cropped out the nipple and i'm using it for my health club
11:06pm
i.d. nice. yeah. it is nice, actually. please, i've got to see dr. berg right away. this rash is spreading. he can't see you miss benes. he's busy. oh, come on. have some compassion. well, i hope it's contagious, then. come on! move! oh, hi, dr. berg. i--i didn't know if-- the chart, miss benes. oh. here. oh... oh, please. no more. hey. where's kramer? he went to get some steak sauce. why?
11:07pm
personal matter. [telephone rings] hello. jerry! it's your uncle leo! hello! hello, leo. you don't have to yell. i got your package! how did you get my package? leo's got your package? what should i do with it? i don't know what you should do with it. tell him to open it! i'm not gonna treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot. jerry! your cousin jeffrey's in a parks department production of the mikado! i want you to come see it with me! open the package, leo. ok. opening! opening. [explosion] to show jim and carol they can meet life's challenges we're bringing their son home from college along with a few friends... jimbo and carol whether it's the new kenmore elite refrigerator... or the new kenmore elite front load
11:08pm
washer and dryer... no one gives you more capacity... so you'll be prepared for any challenge bye guys! kenmore. tested for living. found at sears. great first gig! let's go! party! awwwww... arigato! we are outta here! party...... finding you the perfect place, every step of the way. hotels.com
11:09pm
11:10pm
elaine: so it wasn't a bomb. no. no bomb. well, then what? oh, stupid leo, he was using one of those oven cleaners. he left the canister in there. the pilot light was on. the whole thing blew up.
11:11pm
but he's ok? yeah. the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache, everything. he's all smooth now. looks like a seal. eww. yes. hi. i'm still holding. is this my stereo? oh, hey. ya got it. hey, what happened to my stereo? it's all smashed up. that's right. now it looks like it was broken during shipping and i insured it for $400. but you were supposed to get me a refund. you can't get a refund. your warranty expired two years ago. so we're gonna make the post office pay for my new stereo now? it's a write-off for them. how is it a write-off? they just write it off. write it off what? jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything! you don't even know what a write-off is. do you? no, i don't. but they do. and they're the ones writing it off. i wish i had the last 20 seconds of my life back.
11:12pm
elaine: what? he doesn't have one appointment this whole month? oh, come on! i'm dyin' here, man! hello? hello? oh. still no luck? jerry, that was dr. zimmerman. i'm at the end of the alphabet. there's no, uh zorn or zutrov? they're on vacation. every doctor in this city seems to know who i am! hey, what about dr. resnick? my uncle leo's going to see him tomorrow. dr. resnick? he's not listed. he's not that good. so elaine said, uh you're pretty good at this stuff. oh, yeah, yeah. elaine was a fun project. i enjoyed working with her. you don't have your own camera? uh, no. oh, boy. look at this. yeah. ok. yeah. this looks good. very, very good. all right, and i like what you're wearing. i feel fat. no, no. you're stout. the camera loves stoutness. look, we're not gonna do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
11:13pm
the key word is "tasteful." now i want you to relax and have fun. 'cause you're a fun guy. all right! let's do it, huh? yeah! [throbbing dance music plays on boom box] ok. come on! feel the beat. feel the beat! all right! well, you know, you got some real strong pecs, but it's hard to tell under that t-shirt. what, you want me to take it off? well, i don't know. it's up to you. you think it would be better if i did? it might be. i mean, whatever you want. all right! come on! yeah! ha ha! that's it. come on, george! that's it. give it to me! come on, work it! own it! own it! yeah! be a man! be a man! kramer, shouting: oh! you are a lover boy! you are a lover boy! oh, yeah. this can't miss. [telephone rings] [ring] [ring]
11:14pm
hello? is this elaine marie benes? uh, yeah. who's--who's this? we're with the american medical association. the ama. can you confirm the spelling of your last name? is it b-e-n-e-s? yeah. uh, wh-what is this about? good-bye. [dial tone] hello? hello? [dial tone stops] what? oh, i-- get off the line! we're trying to make another call. oh. sorry. elaine! hello! what are you doin' here? leo, has the doctor been in yet? no. i'm gonna ask him about my eyebrows. ok, listen, leo. you're hairless, you're scared. when the doctor comes in you just let me do the talking, ok? ok. oh, leo. i understand you had a little mishap. it was a fireball. i never should have left him alone. and who are you?
11:15pm
i'm his nurse... paloma. you're not my nurse! he has good days... and bad. so what seems to be the problem? are my eyebrows gonna grow back? and he seems to have a bit of a rash. really? yeah. well, there's... been a bit of that going around lately. will you excuse me a minute...paloma? i'm just going to, uh, get some ointment. i don't like this. this is too easy. elaine! shut up! i think he's onto us! uh-huh. elaine, what about my eyebrows? here! here! shh! jerry: i don't like this, kramer. will it be much longer? i'm sorry. it looks like the claim has been red-flagged. you're under investigation. investigation? hello, jerry. hello, newman. kramer...you, uh might as well run along.
11:16pm
jerry may be a while. suspicion of mail fraud. mail fraud? well, you're in a lotta trouble buddy. leo, i've got your ointment. where's your, uh... where's your nurse? she left. whoa. whoa. no need to get angry. calm down. i am calm. leo, i don't care for your demeanor. demeanor? well, now you're just being difficult. what are you writing? so i, uh... really liked the pictures i picked up here yesterday. i'm glad, george. and, uh, here's a little roll that i think you may enjoy. great. shall we say...an hour? mm-hmm. hey, ron i gotta go to lunch. could you do a roll? no problem.
11:17pm
oh, by the way... you know that model who's always in here? she's missing one of her lingerie shots. have you seen it? nope. all right. all right. all right. don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? huh? i mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping. define rarely. frequently. are we about through here newman? it's pretty hot under these lights huh, seinfeld? pretty...hot. actually i'm quite comfortable. not gonna play ball, huh? all right, admit it! the--the stereo was already busted! you can't prove anything. is this or is this not your signature?
11:18pm
no. as a matter of fact, it isn't. uncle leo? this case is closed pending further evidence. jerry! ok, get in there get the chart, and get out. ya got it? yeah, no problem. listen let me borrow your scarf. what? this? yeah. it's nice. here. all right. so, uh--ha ha-- one chart comin' up. ok. bennett, right? it's benes, you jackass. my last name is benes! yeah! jerry...jerry... jerry...jerry... jerry. jerry...jerry...jerry-- jerry? jerry! yes. i like what you've done there.
11:19pm
may i help you? uh, yes, yes. i'm, um, dr. van nostrand from the clinic. um, i'm going to need elaine benes' uh, chart. she's, um, a patient of mine, and, um... i don't think she's gonna make it. it's, uh, very bad very, um very messy. i see, and what clinic is that again? [gibberish] excuse me? uh, from the hoffermeindorf neuer clinic in, um, belgium. oh, really? the netherlands? where's my chart? did you get it? no. what? what happened? i don't know, but now they got a chart on me. i don't know where they could be. can't find 'em. that's marvelous. the dance continues. well, if i find them i'll call you. great, then maybe we could go out and do something. sure.
11:20pm
hello. hi. so the little guy finally asked me out. really? hey, i can't find his photos anywhere. you know what happened? some guy from the post office confiscated them. he left his card. i don't know what newman wanted to see me for. gentlemen...gentlemen... i am so happy to see you both. there's just some inconsistencies i'd like to straighten out. i'm clean, newman, and you know it. clean? hardly! [clicker] this doesn't look like a man who's happy with his stereo performance, now does it? where did you get that? i think that's one of mine. looks like you're breaking into it like an otter cracks open a clam. well, i don't know about that,
11:21pm
but i'm sure there's an explanation. yes. it's called mail fraud. ooh. how i've longed for this moment, seinfeld! the day when i would have the proof i needed to haul you out of your cushy lair and expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are! a monster so vile-- newman! [gasps] there'll, uh be a small fine. ok. can we go now? not so fast...pretty boy. there's more to this sordid little affair. [clicker] oh, my god! this photo clearly indicates your involvement in some... ill-conceived mail order pornography ring. as does this one... [clicker] found in the same disturbing packet.
11:22pm
oh, my god! we...have a few questions we'd like you to answer. i have a few questions of my own. hi. one of your mailmen-- oh, my god. george! well, actually it's not what you think! i put my trust in the wrong person! he said the key word was "tasteful"! the timeless art of seduction. george: sheila! captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- the difference between a vase and a vaz? a vaz is a really nice vase. shop like a fashionista. do you like this vaz? got it for the price of a vase! save like a maxxinista. designer brands at t.j. prices. t.j.maxx. it's a lip stain. it's a gloss. it's a soft kiss. it's all in one. l'oreal's new caresse wet shine stain. l'oreal's lightweight formula delivers lasting color like a lip stain with 30% water.
11:23pm
it's the wet look for my lips. l'oreal's new caresse wet shine stain.
11:24pm
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11:25pm
endlessly entertaining. plan your getaway at discoverlosangeles.com denny's value menu's got the... cheese quesadilla, all you can eat pancakes the classic burger, the fried cheese melt. so many choices, so little airtime. the $2$4$6$8 value menu®. only at denny's. that wasn't such a long drive. the dirt road really hurt my back.
11:26pm
ok, please, everybody, just stop complaining. smile. we're good patients. ok, miss benes you want to come on back? oh, i'd love to. [telephone rings] ah. just a second. hello. yes? well, as a matter of fact, they're here right now. i understand.
11:27pm
wrong game. but correct. five front-row tickets to robots vs. wrestlers. robots vs. wrestlers? that is awesome! you've heard of robots vs. wrestlers? never. but we assume it's some sort of sporting event that pits robots against wrestlers! that's exactly what it is, according to the web site! (excited shouting) wait, wait, wait, wait.
11:28pm
who's the fifth ticket for? uh... robin. i know-- she moved in with her boyfriend and said she doesn't want to hang out with us anymore, but this is robots vs. wrestlers. robots... vs. wrestlers! barney is right. it's impossible to say no to that. no to that. i wish i could, but i have plans with don on saturday. he's making me chinese. i'll assume you're talking about food. otherwise i have some follow-up questions. oh, i'm sorry, lily, but i got to give this thing with don a chance. and i can't do that if i'm out drinking with you guys every single night-- especially when "you guys" includes two of my ex-boyfriends. i understand. you're right. it's just we all really miss you. aw, i miss you, too. oh, listen, i got to go. talk soon? okay, bye. sorry, new york, i had to take that. now, where were we? yeah. yes. bus crash. she said no? how could she say no? robots vs. wrestlers is our most important tradition
11:29pm
as a group. tradition? we've never done this before. it's robots vs. wrestlers lily. how is that not gonna be a tradition? well... this is how it starts. (voice quivering): first robin moves in with don, then marshall and lily have a baby, then ted... gets married? i was gonna say, "is found alone in his apartment devoured by his cats," but either way, not pretty. everyone's leaving me, and i don't like it! oh, barney, you don't have to worry about marshall and me having kids. that's a long way down the road. exactly-- it's uh, down the road, a medium way. a medium-long way. but you're already seeing exit signs for it. really? i didn't see any. you might want to get in the right lane. i understand how you feel, barney. friendships are important. in fact, emerson wrote a great poem entitled "friendship." you guys are gonna love this. "a ruddy drop of manly blood the surging sea outweighs..." (barney blows raspberry) (laughter) narrator: that's how it had always been for me with the gang
11:30pm
any time i tried to get a little high-minded. you guys, you've got to try this syrah. hints of crème de cassis red berries, toasty oak... (blows raspberry) (laughter) hmm. five letters, blank baritone. of course! lyric baritone! which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone. you know, there's a telling moment in the second act of la bohème... (blows raspberry) (marshall laughing) guys, come on, i'm just trying to add a little class to these proceedings. it's like that line from dante's inferno. (raspberry, laughter) "consider your origins: you were not born to live like brutes." (raspberry, laughter) "but to follow virtue and knowledge." (raspberry, laughter) ted: or... in the original italian... (others groaning) (speaking italian) (repeated raspberries) captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television
11:31pm
you guys are right. i'm totally overreacting to this whole robin thing. what's this envelope? is this a wedding invitation? robin's marrying don. i'm gonna die alone! ted's gonna get eaten by cats! ted: dude relax-- it's for marissa heller. marissa heller? she sounds hot. face, boobs, describe. start with boobs. narrator: who was marissa heller? that mystery began when marshall and i first moved in together. ted! we got our first mail delivery! we are popular. we've got a golf magazine for... marissa heller we've got a wicker furniture catalog, also for marissa heller, and... a coupon for a bird store... addressed to marissa heller or-- stay with me-- "current occupant." that's us! we've got mail! fantastic! marissa heller? she must be the woman who lived here before us. well, i guess i'll forward this along like i've been forwarding... oh, just open it. okay. it's an invitation to jefferson van smoot's
11:32pm
annual spring social this saturday night... in the penthouse apartment of the alberta! you guys... that's the most beautiful building in manhattan! we-we got to go to this party. that depends-- does it say anything on that invitation about robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy? no, but it says open bar. revised agenda for saturday night: free booze at marissa heller's party, then robots vs. wrestlers. one of us just needs to pretend to be marissa heller. (chuckles) guys, i'm flattered, but i think lily should do it. so the big night arrived. our first stop... the alberta building. wow! this building is amazing! did you guys see the porte cochere and the terra-cotta spandrels outside? oh, my god, look! i just got a text from robin. it says... (raspberry, laughter) okay, guys huddle up. now, lil, you can do this-- all you have to do is look that guy in the eye, say your name is marissa heller, and we are golden. and again, just so we're clear, no
11:33pm
accent. (cockney accent): are we sure she's not british, isn't it? no! no! no! all right! here i go. i'm doing it. hi. hello. ooh. sorry. go ahead. i'm here for the van smoot party. my name is marissa heller. (quietly): bollocks. hershey's bliss. one square inch of deliciously smooth chocolate in creamy milk... or rich dark. incredible indulgence. one square inch of bliss. hershey's bliss. ♪ ♪ our house is a very very, very fine house. ♪ ♪ with two cats in the yard,
11:34pm
♪ ♪ life used to be soard. ♪ ♪ now everything is easy 'causof you, ♪ ♪ and our lala♪ ♪ la, la, la, la, ♪ ♪ la, la, la, la, ♪ ♪ la, la, la, la. ♪ da so that's marissa heller. huh. she fine.

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